LAUREN BENDER / LOVE NOTES TO SELF, DESPAIRING I-VI
love notes to self, despairing – I
Hi baby ❤
I know you don't believe in omnipresence you're alone you don't know
what you're doing and you are always forgetting how much it hurts to watch
the world fall for cruelty and call it bold innovative or smart business
Hi baby ❤
the playback is tinny but unmistakably your voice is shaking on the word cure
Hi baby ❤
this used to be easier you must be thinking as you lie in bed spinning
shot after shot it used to be simple to imagine yourself sick enough
to matter to the gathering shadows in your orbit becoming unreachable
Hi baby ❤
it's two in the morning again sweetheart sweetheart? don't do this
even a dream will let you go eventually make you wake up and be happy
Hi baby ❤
obscure your ceiling with shell again that way it will be dark when you're
done passing for dauntless for good they will see when they come in if
you let anyone in if they squint your preferred habit of quiet unraveling
Hi baby ❤
please make this okay? I wish I could be a shaken message of hope afloat
in alcohol I wish I could slide myself past the scratchy sides of a cookie
pocket and grow warm between your fingers or call to you from the cards
Hi baby ❤
I'm listening and if you say there is only one thing left to do to beat
their faces in with fists books metal bars I know you don't mean it
or I know you don't want to mean it or want to not have to say it
Hi baby ❤
where is vulnerability will be what passes for human rolling its eyes
press your cold palm against your throbbing head until I write again
love notes to self, despairing – II
Hi baby ❤
don't worry if it seems like you sleep until you work work until you eat
eat until you sleep listen for the sound of
Hi baby ❤
the scabs at your cuticles have spread to your scalp to your back pick them
pick them to your shoulders pick them
Hi baby ❤
I promise it helps to lie down in the dark shut your burning eyes stop
inspecting rest like a strange concept for its flaw
Hi baby ❤
remember the nights you watched anxiety and depression infomercial
testimonials for what you heard instead of what they said
Hi baby ❤
I know who you are this is who you are who you are is who you are don't
walk away don't go to the world to beg them
Hi baby ❤
I made this recording for you it's just an unfamiliar voice full of love for you
but the thing is it's very convincing
love notes to self, despairing – III
Hi baby ❤
do you understand life has to go on at some point whether you can be
convinced your existence has value or not
Hi baby ❤
one day they will invent immersive suicide simulation and you can step inside
the machine every day and undo this
Hi baby ❤
I know how angry this anger is I know how angry this silly anger is I know
how angry this no problem anger is
Hi baby ❤
a question prompts a question prompts a question prompts small talk and
I promise here you can always say nothing is okay anymore
Hi baby ❤
one day they will invent a kind of nurturing that satisfies and you can inject it
go to bed stop chancing reality
love notes to self, despairing – IV
Hi baby ❤
just as your face does not betray when you are terrified you do not flinch
you are imagining that you flinch when someone touches your shoulder to show they care
Hi baby ❤
you fall more and more in love with those too far away to love back
I know how easy it is to build a world
of heroes of perfect clean minds without odor without eyes
Hi baby ❤
no matter what happens in the future at least you know
you have always fought on the side of good is a form of complacency
but before you spiral down again you need to rest
Hi baby ❤
distance silence
distance
distance and tomorrow you can fix this
Hi baby ❤
if I came to life I would stand so close to you you would hold your breath
lock down every muscle ask yourself is this okay is this okay
should I move and I would listen to your thoughts until I couldn't anymore and shift
brush your arm touch your wrist goodbye
Hi baby ❤
whatever is happening started happening too long ago to remember
you're allowed to be the result you're allowed to never be satisfied
love notes to self, despairing – V
Hi baby ❤
with the night you will heal and the kernel of what has always been
good and happy and brave
in you will open inside your body so you can feel it there for the first time
Hi baby ❤
I have brought you a medication I have brought you a pill oh hell
it's magic there is such a thing and if you don't believe that
believe it's in your best interest to believe that believe me
have I lied other than when you shut your eyes near midnight and asked
if I thought you would fall asleep and I said no
don't worry you're awake sweetie you're here with me
Hi baby ❤
you are no insomniac you are waiting for the right moment you are too sad
to do a self-care you are not done punishing yourself for what you're not doing
and not done not doing to feel better about being punished
no one can agree what to call the mistake you are making night after night
Hi baby ❤
that's enough tough love lay your head in my lap
you are mine if you stick with this long enough you will know
you are as nonexistent as I am or that existence is not
worth debating or shutting or opening your eyes for it is content trying
to fix what went wrong yesterday
you will be removed from it eventually
you will be found unresponsive heart beating once every ten seconds what story
do you want me to tell about whether this is or isn't beautiful
love notes to self, despairing – VI
Hi baby ❤
I want you to say (something nice / about yourself) so here we are I want you to say
you are good that you are as whatever
as anyone else is whatever and I will not be the first to break the silence
Hi baby ❤
seven minutes have gone by where you keep trying to get warm
and sleep and shove your small dulled fingernails into the sharp pain of your body
believe me I understand but you have to learn how time works
Hi baby ❤
there are too many drugs you haven't tried for you to take the same drug
every month even though it only works well enough
that you stay unconscious aren't you sick of this yet when will you call this unbearable
Hi baby ❤
I don't think they know yet how little there you are how nothing is sad
exactly but nothing is anything a different version of sadness just
get through the steps following steps is very practical don't scream
Lauren Bender lives in Burlington, VT and is editor in chief of Mud Season Review. Her work has appeared in IDK Magazine, The Collapsar, Gyroscope Review, Pittsburgh Poetry Review, Yes Poetry, and others. You can find her on twitter @benderpoet.